House circle
When I think about house meetings, I tend to remember the scene from What We Do in the Shadows where Vladislav, Viago, and Deacon are sitting at the kitchen table having a “flat meeting”. The one Deacon gets accused of leaving five years worth of dishes piled up at the kitchen sink…
I think this was the first time I saw a house meeting come up in a film and it has remained my mental reference for it ever since. I participated in house circles at an intentional community in Southern Oregon where I lived for a few months. It was the first time I experienced people sitting together to discuss and make decisions about the living space and rituals they shared together.
It took a while for me to incorporate this into my life, however I now cannot imagine living with anyone else and not making the time to sit down and reflect about our life in the space we share together.
I currently live in a multi-generational household with my partner, 4-year-old son, and my partner’s parents. Ouch, I hear you say. Parents-in-law! Well there are many aspects of this type living arrangement that must be thought about carefully, however I would put house circles as one of the most important practices that maintain our household harmony. They are times when each of us gets uninterrupted time to talk about what feels important to them and feels seen and listened to.
There are many ways to have a house circle but here are some of the ingredients that feel important to me. At the end, I have also listed some specific types of gatherings that you might want to try in your own household:
A centre piece: A candle, some flowers, a plant. Something that feels like a centre that helps us all feel like we are in a welcoming and beautiful space.
Sit in a circle: Might sound obvious however a circular sitting arrangement where everyone, including children, can see and be seen by everyone else, is crucial.
Check in: A first round where each of us gets 2-3 minutes to share how they are feeling and anything that they want to share about their life right now. This helps to create a moment where we look at the person rather than any issue they bring up.
Talking piece: A stone, a nut, any small object that the speaker can hold in their hand while they speak. This makes it clear who is speaking and signals to others to wait until the speaker is ready and puts the talking piece back. Everyone agrees not to interrupt the speaker.
An agreed time container: It makes all the difference when we agree about how much time we will dedicate to the meeting so that everyone makes space for this. Sometimes things take longer than expected and we need to revisit this time frame and make a decision about whether we want to lengthen the time allocated for the meeting. From experience, meetings that go on too long tend to lose their energy and most walk out feeling exhausted or just decide to leave mid-meeting.
Focus on the talking: Meetings during breakfast or lunch tend not to work so well for me. It feels better to get the eating out of the way and make space for uninterrupted talking and listening when everyone is fed.
Regularity: We started doing monthly meetings in this household but missing one means two whole months of proverbial dirty dishes. Weekly meetings seem to be working much better. We have gone months without having a meeting and let me tell you, resentment builds.
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Aside from the above ingredients, each household I have lived in developed their own way of having house circles. Many tend to focus on practical matters about how we care for and interact with our living space and each other. Sometimes we come up with potential projects to tackle together, sometimes we decide to experiment with the way we run an aspect of the household, evaluate past experiments, sometimes we need to tackle issues that bring dis-harmony. Having dedicated time where all members of the house (yes including young ones, although these will probably not want to sit through the whole meeting) focus on communal wellbeing together is an aspect of living together that I consider very important.
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The following are two specific ways of getting together that might be interesting to try out:
Matrix circles are based on the idea that the strength and vitality of a group is based on individual relationships. In matrix circles one person shares directly with one other individual while the whole group listens and witnesses. The receiver then chooses to share with another member of the group. Matrix style sharing helps weave a web of connection as individuals interact directly with each other while the group supports silently. Sharers check in about how they are feeling or offer gratitude to receivers, and receivers offer feedback about what is shared. Matrix style check-ins can also be utilized to open other kinds of meetings, to vocalize and clear anything getting in the way of feeling connected and present. Source: www.fullbloomcommunity.com
Walk and talk in twos. Sometimes sitting inside becomes heavy and encourages wingeing about everything that might be wrong. In the past it has been helpful to create outside sessions where everyone teams up with a partner and spends some time walking or doing a task together. This helps build interpersonal relationships in a setting where people are encouraged to look outward rather than just in. It really helps to lighten situations. It’s important to have a clear agreement about whether there will be a session to report back to the whole group or not.
Are there any that have worked particularly well (or badly) for you?
Lots of love,
Greta